Her heart tells stories unknown to mankind...

Naand,

amper oggend. Ek was vroeer baie moeg, my ogies voel nogal toe nou, maar my kop is nou wakker. Alles pla. Weet nie hoe dit gebeur het nie, maar als voel meer na 'n gemors as enige iets anders.

Ek het vir hom gese hy gaan nie sms nie, en kyk ek was reg! Oe! Alister maak my kwaad. Nie dat ek wil he ek moet sms nie. Maar hy het homself gewip vir my. Dis so silly as mens vies is vir iemand en dan is hulle vir vir jou oor jy vies is vir hulle!

Ek het tog nie lus om op die Alice pad te dwaal nie. Ons spring maar na die Rudolph pad... wat 'n deurmekaar spul des te meer!

So ek's vies by die huis weg, come to think of it, ek's altyd kwaad? OF hoe? In elk geval, ek ry Cape Gate toe om vir Alister daar te ontmoet om 'n fliek te gaan kyk, maar ek moes eers vir my broer 'n sketch pad koop. Ek wou bittergraag net Mamma Mia gaan kyk het, maar later daaroor.

By Cape Gate aangekom, mission ek oor die kaal oop vlaktes my weg na PNA, en almal wat my sien kon sien ek is determined en voel 'n veer vir wie in my pad gaan kom. Ek het toe (vreemd, ek hoor Hadidas... die tyd van die nag?) In elkgeval ek loop so en dink en dink toe dat 'n ou my nog nooit opgechat het nie, en wonder toe by myself, maar hoe gebeur dit nou eintlik, want mens hoor altyd daarvan. 'n Wild vreemde ou en so. En toe verdwyn die gedagte.

Ek loop in by PNA en sien die mannetjie agter die til hou my dop en smile, ek maak oogkontak en knik met my kop en loop deur die winkel opsoek na die papier en potlode, vind net verf en canvas, vra toe 'n ander vroutjie vir die papier en sy wys dit vir my. Loop nog so paar keer op en af en kyk till se kant toe en sien hy's weg en vat wat ek wil he en mik till toe en daar staan hy weer. Ek loop na die een kant toe en hy knik met sy kop dat ek anderkant moet omkom en ek staan toe daar. En hy vra, "so do you like sketching..." Ek kon sommer sien, hier kom 'n ding en hy soek net 'n aanknopings punt. Ek se toe yes, but this is for my brother." Hy kyk af en ek kan sien die wieletjies in sy kop draai toe. Hy smile toe en se: "Can I tell you something..." Ek is soos, "yes..." En hy se: "With such a pretty face, you should be having a smile on your face." Ek glimlag toe en hy vra toe: "what do you do for fun? Just don't say sketching" En hy vra toe of ek naby bly en gereeld soontoe kom en ek kan sien die man probeer nou hard. Dit was flattering en komieklik op 'n manier en ek weet toe ek na die till toe loop moes ek gebloos het en my hart het effens vinnig geklop. Die knaap is lank en het blou ogies en is nogal aantreklik. Hy vra toe of ons eenkeer iets socially kan gaan doen en ek knik toe en hy se toe dat hy sy nommer vir my sal gee, since dit ons eerste ontmoeting is en als en skryf dit toe op 'n papier neer en OH! Hy het gevra wat is my naam en ek het gese Lianie, en natuurlik oor hy engels is, het hy eers gese Leonie, toe se ek nee, LIAnie. En toe kry hy dit reg en skud toe my hand en se dat sy naam Rudolph is. Dit was als funny. Hy het toe begin mompel daarna, iets oor die sak en hy kan nie vir my 'n huge sak gee nie en ek wou net loop, want ek wil lag. So ja, ek is laggend daar weg. MET sy nommer. Sy laaste woorde was, don't wait 3 weeks now!

Glo dit of nie, nadat ek met die PNA idee as werk en engels en ek weet nie wat nie idee in my kop gesit het, en gedink het dat ek net gevlei moet voel en hom dan afskryf, het ek toe wel later die aand hom gesms. Net gese haai en dis die skirt girl, Oh hy het in die gesprek ook gevra waar kry ek my romp en dat hy 'n vriendin het wat van rompe hou en hy wil haar se waar om te kyk en so aan. Was odd.

Hy het eers die volgende oggend, dis nou Woensdag gesms. Gese hy is glad dat ek sms en so aand. Ever since, sms ons gereeld... maar kort en ons se nie veel nie. Hy het eers soos 3 dae later gevra hoe oud is ek, en dus weet ek nou dat hy 29 is. En nie hoe nie, 2 smse later, se hy klaar ek's childish oor iets wat ek gese het, en toe is ek sommer soos WHA? In my kop natuurlik, dis nou net oor hy nou weet ek's 23. SInce when is ek childish. Ag in elkgeval, hy bly alleen in sy eie flat en hmmm... gaan club? Ja, ek weet nie, waar iemand wat by PNA in Cape Gate werk, 'n flat bekostig of rondrits in clubs of Waterfront toe gaan of so nie.

So versigtig soos ek wil wees, so roekeloos voel ek terselfde tyd. Ek weet nie, ek wil he hy moet sms en ek raak effe af as hy nie sms nie. Dis so stupid, want ek dink nie dit sal soos werk tussen ons nie, TOG, wil ek hom uitcheck en meer oor hom weet. AG I DON"T know! En raai wat?! ek het nou als in afrikaans getik en ek tik altyd in ENGELS en hoe moet die wereld nou lees wat ek getik het! Bloed!

Sal maar later vertaal.

So Rudolph is 'n vleiende kalant wat die lewe vir my moeilik maak as hy nie sms nie. I don't know. Ek vra hom mos toe of hy enige pretty face girls weer ontmoet het, toe se hy mos vir my ek moet hom nie judge nie, net oor hy die guts gehad het om met my te praat nie.! OH NE! Hy het ook nog daardie dag gese dat hyt gedag hy moet my onderlip met 'n shovel optel toe ek daar in stap, maar kyk nou net hoe mooi lyk ek as ek glimlag. Ons het nogal baie gepraat in die winkel, weird.

Hy't ook gesms dat ek 'n goeie hugger is, want hy kan dit in my smile sien.

Hy weet nie eens dat ek afrikaans is nie... IN fact, hy ken net my naam en hoe oud ek is... en waar ek my klere koop en min of meer waar ek bly, maar hy vra nooit uit oor my nie.

Player? I don't know. Smooth talker? I don't know. Ek wil aan die eenkant ook nie spoke opjaag nie. MAAAAR NOU JA! Dis nou Rudolph?

Voel ek guilty... JA! Alister het juis vanaand snuf in die neus gekry. I don't know. Ek wil nie sulke issues he nie. Ek wil net doen wat ek wil doen. Ek vlug sommer.

Ek dink ek tik 'n klomp tjol, dis asof ek net alles tik wat ek dink. Nie eens poeties maak of iets nie. Gits.

Ek mis vir Wiaan, hy moet nou terug kom uit Namibia. Ja. My kop maal en maal en wonder en wonder. Hoe werk die lewe. Vir wie wag mens, hoe weet mens.

God, die mens is so onverstanding en al het hy verstand dan ignoreer hy dit met die belangrikste tye. Hoe verstaan mens dit. Die lewe is soos 'n mallemeule, rondomtalie kop aan kop bots ongeluk... Nou is jy hier en nou is jy nie. Sonder dat jy werklik besef, dog weet jy, maar eendag dan raak jy net stil en sien, jy is lank al nie meer waar jy was nie en jy is lankal nie meer wie jy was nie.

Ek voel nou stil, ek dink ek is vir nou klaar gebabbel. Ek het slaap nodig, more is 'n nuwe dag en dan moet ek aan belangrike dinge fokus. Ek't nie tyd vir kinderagtige, ongeskikte outjies of vir grootmens, ou mens, lank mens mansmens vleiende mens, muisnes mans nie!

Nag.

Good evening,

It has been ages! How have you been? Enough about you, let's talk about me.

The time is 10:27pm and I am as tired as ever and need so much sleep, more than I should be able to consume. Yes, I just made that sentence so that I can use the word, consume, because I like it!

I have so many thoughts to share with you, that I can keep you busy for days, maybe weeks! Funny thing is, that I didn't know how to start this entry though. But I think I have made quite an introduction now, so I suppose I can move on, into the more important, juicy information of what goes on in my head, or what?

Hm... Alister's song is playing, actually mine. When we met... 'Like glue - Shaun Paul'
I kept asking him to sing it... Whahahaha... he actually does it right. Not like me, he says I sing it too pretty. I need to rap it and put more bass to it.

"I don't really care what people say,
I don't really watch what 'em would do,
still I got to stick to my girls like glue,
I am a lovely number two... "

Ya, I know what a weird song. "Hahahaha"

Anyhow, that was not suppose to be part of this entry.

Let's see... Today... Today started at 5:30am... with an alarm waking me up. I only got up at 6am though. Monique sms'ed at 6:20... I don't really want to talk about it. It annoys me when she keeps on smsing me, where are you? Are you awake? Are you okay? Is everything okay? Are you on your way? Blah blah blah. I don't really feel like going in on that. Maybe I was just very tired still this morning. We had to drive in to N1 House to the City's Control room. Where they watch all the roads and so forth with CCTV's. Quite interesting! Well, it wasn't that interesting this morning, because I was still sleeping and perhaps cross?

When we got to work, I had to print out a thousand drawings, that took me till 3pm! Horrific! I tell you. Okay, perhaps not a thousand. The project's files are a bit disorganised, so I had a great time searching for half of the drawings! The engineer just kept on disappearing and left me with it.

I don't usually drink coffee at work, because for some reason the Ricoffee tastes bad there, but I love it at home. Besides I don't drink that much coffee. Would be 1 a day at the most, if even. For some reason I felt like having some at 3pm, this is now from the filter coffee that you make in the pot. We have a lady that makes us coffee now, and she is suppose to ask us if we want coffee, at 10am and 12pm and 3pm. Soooo I go ask at 3pm if I can have some of that filter coffee and see it is empty and clean. So she made one pot and everyone had and she said she is not making again, only the next day... That means everyone that wants, runs to her and asks her for that coffee and then if there is too many, well sorry, then you lose out! Why can't she make two pots? I was so disapointed, no not angry, DISAPOINTED! Picture me... yes MOI, working for 6 hours without stopping and just staring at a screen and folding plans and just stressing and the one joy I want when I finished, was a bit of coffee. FOR ONCE! And she sent me away empty handed. I honestly felt like bursting out in tears. I was heart broken. Promise. I can't describe it to you, my eyes were burning when I sat down and my heart felt heavy. I thought about how unfair the world is. She came to empty the bins and told me she made me some coffee... I WAS soooooOOOOO happy! GOD's FAVOUR IS UPON ME! He sees my PAIN! She made me some in Juanita's little plunger! That makes one cup! I was too happy for such a small need. It was awesome!

Now I am tired. HAhaha!!!

I shall talk tomorrow again or some day, okay... That was the big story of the day, but there is something else as well, that happened in the Control Room, but!

To be continued...

Wouter Kellerman's Performance

Event Name: Colour
Where: University of Johannesburg Arts Centre, South Africa
Time: 20:00
Duration: 1h and 15 minutes
Date: 5, 6, 7 and 8 September 2007
Cost: R80 per person or R70 if you are 10 people or more

South Africa's premier flautist Kellerman (aka Wouter Kellerman) has finally released his long-awaited debut album Colour, and will be celebrating the event through an exclusive four-date performance run in the month of September. The shows which celebrate our diversity of colour, culture and music.

Kellerman on flutes, featuring:
Salome Sechele - 'Strictly Coma Dancing' Judge & dancer extraordinaire.
David Matemele - Co-choreographer of African Footprint and The Lion King
Muntu Ngubane - Latin American dancer
Nonhlanhla Mdluli - 'Strictly Come Dancing' Singer
Michal George - Spanish Guitarist
Phresh Makhene - Percussion & vocals
Carima Cruywagen - Dance

Perhaps his website would also help:
www.myspace.com/wouterkellerman

And here's one of his songs on YouTube at one of his previous concerts:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cmWRvhRAMA

Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

What mental disorder do you have? Your Result: ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) You have a very hard time focusing, and you find it difficult to stay on task without your mind wandering. You probably zone in and out of conversations and tend to miss out on directions because you cannot focus
Manic Depressive
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
Paranoia
GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
What mental disorder do you have?

I could've told you that! :p

What type of person do you attract? Your Result: You attract geeks! Your stunning intellect and love of sci-fi and video games allures the geeks like nothing else. Maybe it is the sparkle in your eye that makes them want to text you, who knows. Geeks make good partners, but tend to be arguementative. If you are a TRUE geek magnet, you will know if that was spelled correctly, and actually care. If it is a bad-boy/bad-girl you are seeking, you are barking up the wrong tree, unless they are just 'bad' behind a PS2 console.
You attract artsy people!
You attract rednecks!
You attract unstable people!
You attract models!
You attract Yuppies!
What type of person do you attract? Quizzes for MySpace

I am probably going to be writing this, just because I am feeling emotionally driven by the movie I watched.  It was one of those types of movies where you feel like telling the whole world you love them and the truth wants to flow out of your mouth and you want to confess everything to everyone!  Your heart is beating your head and the world seems small and life short and now, your last breath!

There is this guy.  I never wrote about him, because I never had the need.  He makes me angry most of the times, more often than not.  And when I say angry, I mean it.  He makes me furious.  Guess what?  We talked.  Oh, yes.  One of the longest conversations we had, while he was sober.  He kept on saying I should say what I wanted to say.  I can't take this unnatural forcing ways people bestow on me!  What is it with these humans?!  TALK!  SPEAK!  WTH?!  Force is not going to gain my trust, nor let me speak.  "Fine, you write poems and stories, without erasing a thing and let it just flow?"  'Yes.'   "Good, next time I will bring you a notepad and a pen.  Then you write me down everything you want to tell me."  How sick is that?  You lay eyes upon what I write?  You have a piece of what I create what you can't?  By force, I beg your pardon?  Not by choice, nor by way of deserving it?  Who are you to tell me that my art means nothing?  Who are you to tell me it does not help to write or draw about it?  "Supressive expressive art."  Who are you to tell me that I am not over my father's death?  So I told this guy that I will write him an e-mail.  A few days has gone by and I've been contemplating this thought.  Should I, Should I not?  Does he deserve it, does he not?  What difference will it make?  He who sat behind a restaurant menu laughing at me.  When I confronted him about it, then tells me, that it is funny.  How does one then not fall back to drawing?  No one laughs at you when you draw, while you are on your own.  People judge.  Judge me not, here I say.  

Okay too tired.  

night

1.YOUR REAL NAME:
Lianie

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle.)
Liaizzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal)
Yellow Panther

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street)
De Hibiscus

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of mom's maiden name)
Deklismi

6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink).
Blue Sprite

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name)
Ikemrre

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mothers middle name and fathers name.)
De Hendrik

9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets)
Black Nala

She wakes up in the morning, tired and sleepy
Not ready to take the world on
With sleepy eyes she tilts her head and stares at this messed up world
Within, her heart is beating lively 

There's a song in her head
a bounce in her walk
colour in her spirit
a will as strong as lead

Many times she dresses up
feeling all pretty
facing the world with a smile
a smile no one notices

No one cares, Lani.  No one gives a damn.  No one cares what you wear.  No one wants to know how you think.  No one once looked twice to see that you look pretty today.  No one gives a damn.  No one cares, Lani.  No one wants to know you.  No one loves you the way you love yourself.  No one loves you, Lani.  No one thinks you are beautiful the way you think you are.  No one gives a damn.  No one has time for you.  No one wants your passion.  No one wants to sweep you off your feet.  Lani, your green-brown eyes go unnoticed.  No one notices the black shapes in them.  No one wants to hold you tight.  No one wants to touch you.  No one wants to compliment you.  No one deserves you.  DAMN RIGHT!  I AM TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR NO ONE! 

I came back from yet another night out with my friends.  I should be in bed, because I have to be at work again in a few hours.  And I am listening to classical music again.  Think it helps to calm and relax the creature inside of me. 

My first day at my new job:

Hmmm... well the previous night didn't go down so well.  I visited Alet and both her ex'es were there and a few other people.  Her latest ex was drunk or pretending to be drunk, because Alet and him broke up like 2 days ago.  Him and I sat outside talking, because he seemed like he wanted to get things of his chest.  Then he told me that he heard he is gay that day.  And Alet told me later on that he is confused about if he is gay or not.  Then Alet's boss, who is gay and in love with Alet's ex says yep, he is gay.  Imma like!  Leave the confused dude alone, just let him be!  When he is ready he will know when he is gay or not, don't push him into a direction.

We went to a pub, restaurant effect.  I had 2 glases of 'rose' which was actually pinotage and a hunters extreme and the first glass of wine got to me.  It was so wrong.  The worst I ever felt drinking.  No headache, nor nauseous, but yet I felt sick in 'n not so cool way.  My cheeks were numb and my lips too.  Alet's ex kept on hugging me and then he layed his head on my shoulder and said I smelt nice and then he slept a bit.  I didn't feel anything about it, because he is just one of those people that needs to touch people and he seemed that he just needed someone.  He told me that I am his new friend.  I just laughed at him.  Alet smoked with her other ex and her brother.  What a disgusting thought, eh.  Went home at about 1am and phoned Elsabe.  I know she laughed alot, she laughs so pretty.  =)  I just felt bad and I wanted to talk to her and I felt stupid for talking to Alet, because she is not a very satisfying source to talk to!  WORD!

I couldn't sleep, because I felt like my body and spirit parted and like I was floating and not in my bed!  I remember that I went to the loo at somewhere around 3 and then I finally fell asleep.  No, I didn't puke.  I woke up feeling the same.  But I had to leave for my first day at work, feeling drunk!  I was almost too scared to drive.  O.O

Got to jail an hour earlier than I had to.  There was one other prisoner who showed me to my cell.  Then I pretty much just sat there and doodled, pretending to look highly intelligent.  Not sure for who.  My friend that studied with me, joined me an hour later in our cell.  She showed me around and how their system works.  A prison is a prison, but the system changes a bit.  I am not sure if she has a monotone voice, but there weren't emotion in it.  I felt a bit impatient.  I did all the work I could, but I couldn't print out anything, because she had to round it off and do what she knows how to do and I don't know yet.  So I couldn't show the engineer what I did the day, which made me cross, because she was not busy.  Just busy typing emails, yes.  At ten all the prisoners go down stairs to the eating hall and drink coffee.  We sat there with this one guy from out department and some old lady from who knows where!  Was pretty boring.  Then we went back to our cells after 15 minutes.  The one lady came and took a photo of me at my desk.  Yep... reminds you of prison, hey?  You should have seen us at 1pm.  All the prisoners got to go outside!  That was almost heaven.  The sun rays on your face and the breeze.  It is so warm in those offices with all the computers.  The last part of the day dragged by slow.

I ate and slept when I got home and was thrilled about that.  Will tell you some other day why I say my work is a prison.  Yes, there's a deeper meaning to it.

Alet and Anneke wanted to go out, so Alet phoned me up and then I asked Anri with.  We went to this Cuban restaurant to drink cocktails.  How superficial!  You had to see this!  It was hilarious how we sat there.  Being sarcastic.  We just sat there and had our drinks, but the conversations wouldn't flow.  Half the time we sat there staring at each other.  Felt so stupid!  Fake!  Anneke bailed out.  So it was Anri, Alet, Robbie and Pieter and me.  Alet said I look tense, I must chill.  I kept on playing with the place matt, but it was so BORING!  Gosh!  And we all knew that it wasn't fun and we weren't talking or enjoying ourselves.  What do you do in such a situation?  When you walk in and you see the group that is there is not going to have fun tonight?  Why don't you just say hey, this is not going to be enjoyable, let's try some other evening.  I felt all pretty and dressed up for nothing.  Robbie tried talking to me the one time.  GA!  Anyhow, what a waste of time.  Ranting while I can sleep.  And that ranting about people who aren't really your friends, eh.  Tsk

Night, sleep well.

I think I want to talk about my dream I had last night or this morning.  It was a nightmare.  Not too sure why, because it was about art and that is one of the things I love in life.

I know that I thought about art yesterday and I thought about how people tell me how to do my art or show me what I do wrong.  Especially my one friend, Alet.  Especially now that she is studying Graphics Design and that they are doing artwork.  She will comment on my art and tell me what to change or like my dragon I did, which everybody likes by the way, she said something about it still need many layers of work.  That was when I was half way.  I thought to myself, what layers.  What?!  It is my work and I will stop when I am satisfied.  Yes, I am a bit touchy about my art.  So what?  It is mine.  I don't go around criticizing other people's art?  If you want to criticize my work, you need to be an artist and you need to damn well get your sentences so in tact that I don't even realise that you are criticizing my work.  Who gives you the right to say something about the way I do art?  Everyone has their own style.  You know what?  People love breaking down!  I can be so in love with what I did and then you come along and say oh but that looks funny.  What?!  Who asked your opinion?  Hm?!  It is something I created and it is my love put behind it and if I like it, who are you to tell me you don't like what I did?  Take your opinions and eat it!

So this dream.  I am not sure where I was, but it felt like I was outside mostly and the 3 main characters were this lady, that I can't remember what she looked like, but she was familiar to me and in this dream she was what seemed like my art teacher.  Then there was her daughter, who was almost 5 or 6 or something young like that and then there was me!  

I was working on a drawing, painting effect, seemed like a year end project.  It looked a bit abstract and I remember a guitar being on the piece of paper.  There was three different drawings on the paper and I remember that there was purple paint on it.  I don't like purple and I don't like abstract.  It seemed like I painted over what I drew and not painting inside the lines.  I am not sure what I did, but I know I struggled, but I liked the drawing.  

I kept on seeing her daughter running around and painting from books.  She would take those books that you learn how to paint and painted one of those pictures, where they show you step by step how.  I don't like it when people do that!  

The teacher had pretty clothes on, whites and cream.  Pretty hair, all neat and clean make up with white teeth.  She was pretty and healthy looking.  

I took my picture to her, when we had to hand it in and she asked me if it is actually done, because there was spaces open and she laughed at me.  I am not sure but I just remember her mocking me the whole time and other kids laughing at me.  I couldn't understand it.  It got to me.  Then if that wasn't worse enough her child ran around with her perfect painting of a house and  clouds.  It made me so angry.  Then the teacher told me that why can't I paint like that and that her daughter is still so young and look what she did?  I felt so humiliated, angry and torn. 

Morning

Feeling calm and almost at eased, with a bit sad, almost nostalgic.  "Hehehe..."  I am so used to being with the AmericasArmy people that this weekend almost seems dull and empty and the feeling that I might not really seem them again, because Mentl-Cow is gone and I am starting work again, not that it will stop us to party, but I scheme parties are going to slow down now.  Almost like we are going back to reality.  Pixie is going to start studying again too, so she'll have a hectic schedule too.  Don't think I have internet connection at my new job, which is probably a good thing too.  It is nice to be with them, because they don't judge you.

I think I am not being unfair towards Karen, maybe she is just looking for a friend.  All her friends are in England and the two friends she have here in Cape Town didn't even came to her birthday party.  How sad is that?  Will try and not feel too uncomfortable around her and maybe visit her?

Alister came to visit after he came back from his holiday.  I haven't seen him in almost 2 months.  It is always nice seeing him after a long time of not seeing him.  He makes me laugh so much and it is probably a good thing.  No one understands why he's so funny, but I think it is because they are too dumb, cause his jokes are really sharp.  Yes, I think I am very intelligent!  =]

So Alister needed new Jeans and my mom wanted me to go clothes shopping anyway and to go get myself a new cellphone, because my new one got stolen some 5 odd months ago, after I had it for about 8 months.  So I had to fall back to some of my old contract phones.  I didn't really mind, because all it really has to do is send sms'es and phone and that exactly what it did, except for the battery only lasting a day.  O.O  Guess it is old, eh.  Now I have a pink cellphone...  That takes photo's again, not that I want a photo taking phone, because I lost all my photo's on my old 'new' stolen phone!  And it takes Mp3's or something.  :P  Okay enough about silly phone talk.  I wanted these jeans, but my mom gave me this awful look.  >.>  She doesn't like these low cuts they have these days.  I have to agree it is not very flattering when you sit down and your whole ass is on display.  O.O

Ha!  *Smirks*  With a frank taste in my mouth I need to talk about this.  Don't you just love friends?  They are so... fake?  True?  Yet fake but true because they are fake?  You wouldn't understand.  They'd give anything for a good time with a boy, no matter how long it has been that they haven't seen you.  Sad, eh?

You, take your good times and rub it in your face
May the warmth of the feeling keep you still
If it vomits on your clothes
I won't be here, not to sacrifice seeing you in disgrace

Take the hand of the one you hate
tilt your head the way you do 
Please flick your hair from side to side
I'll be watching you from behind the luminous gate

You in your world and me in mine
One day you'll taste it
the sour juice poured in your mouth
Do swallow it, because you will always think it is good wine

When you mature in your childish selfishness
may you wake up and see the messed up world around you
Then hopefully you will realised it's not about you
Choke up your ego, starry eye princess

Hmm...  Somehow I feel sooOOOoo much better after I wrote poem-like entries.  It is like I talked about what bothers me, but not in a direct way, but yet I understand, so it is cool and it is off my chest and no one really knows what I am saying, so that is almost excellent, unless you are a genius, which I don't think you are, so MWHAHAHAHA!  Hmm... it needs a bit of tweaking, but I usually just write/type without pausing or erasing.  Let it just flow and that is the way I leave it then after wards.  *Mwah*  I am a genius, a BOTTLED GENIUS!  >.>

Hahaha... How do you like my new LJ look, it's called cuteness attack!  Mwahahaha... I think it looks... wait for it... wait for it...  CUTE!   Hahaha.... This is what happens when you go to bed at 7:30pm and wake up at 9:45pm.  Now you are awake at almost 2am in the morning!  Oh, but wait, that's normal!  Except I am not tired!  Mwhahahaha... *hacks the world*

Can't find music I am in the mood for now.  This happens often, too often. 

How did yesterday go?  Almost the same as the previous day, hey!  Just a different person!  I don't understand.  What is it with the people.  What is it that I don't see.  I don't see it!  It's not there!  Do I want it to be there?  Yes and no.  I don't know!  What do I know?  Ah!  See, my mind is driving me crazy!  Lol, this song is funny!  David Kramer - Bicycle sonder sy klokkie (Bicycle without its bell).

WHAT IS IT?!  DOn't DO IT!  Don't MESS WITH MY HEAD! 

I don't usually do the song spamming thing, but this kind of relates to me the most for now.

Somewhere in Between
by Lifehouse

I can't meet
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomoroow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomorow
I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
What is real 
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

Phantom confused me so much yesterday.  I was cool in a way until Phantom talked to me.  I had the voices in my head sorted out.  I knew what to think.  Although I would break the rules now and again, I was in control.  Yes, that's what he did, he took control.  I got all nervous and nauseous.  

Life is so complicated and it is late again and I am not in bed!  That is the story of my life, isn't it?  No!  Not if I say so.  I am going to change it.  I have business to do today in any case.  So I will be up bright and almost early and do what I have to do and maybe I will even treat myself and paint.

Just to conclude... today was an emotional roller coaster.  Oh, yes!  It was tiring.  I know it was.  That is why I don't want to fall in love, date, ext.  It just makes a mess when all is not well. 

Going to bed!  Night, night!

Dear World

I went to Alet's house at about 10:30pm.  The people probably had more than enough wine in, although it didn't really seem to be the case.  Or the case that made me feel not fit in, not that I felt lost or uncomfortable about it.  I just knew there was a barrier between me and them and I didn't know how to cross it.  Not that I felt like going out of my way to please others.  I just knew I don't belong and I actually thought maybe I should just go home again.  No, there was no vibe either.  It was just like a mutual understanding that there's a barrier.  

Alet, Nici, Yvette and I went outside and layed on a blanket looking at the stars.  Now Alet is an artistic person and all for creating atmosphere and beautiful moments and touching her soul.  Which is I enjoy too, but on a more natural level or maybe on the same level, maybe we different yet the same.  The point being or what I want to talk about is the that we looked at the stars and then she asked us what's our heart's point.  Things that matters most to you in life.  What makes you tick.  

Let me give some background first.  This afternoon she came and said a quick hello and talked a bit to us and when I tried getting dressed she felt like talking to me.  So she stood there in my door and asked me to talk to her, because she wants me to talk and she would love to talk to someone with real issues, because Lizelle doesn't have big issues.  I told her that I can't just talk to her about my life.  She stood there almost pouting and saying but I need to talk and I need you to talk.  If only she knew that I can't exactly JUST TALK!  Standing there not knowing which top to wear or more likely cause I couldn't get rid of the top I had on, because she is standing there in my door and GOSH we live is such a judgemental world that I can't even undress infront of a friend that I knew for 9 years!  It's probably me, always saying, don't look don't look, just because I know people talk though.  They get filled with images and information and they just can't keep it to themselves and then they BURST!  Then it just splats all over the show.  Because we Must talk!  Don't bottle your feelings, mah dear, LET IT OUT!  YOu'll feel better!  What a sensation lust world we live in.  The conversation with Alet or me didn't get very far, because I got dressed, because I knew if I didn't I would be stuck in that room forever.  

Now a few days before that, Alet phoned me, asking if I am still alive, after smsing me the same question.  The sms went something like this:  Hi, Lizelle and I are just gossiping about you now, wondering where in the world are you and if you are still alive.  Hope to see you soon. Alet

Yup she used the word gossip.  To be honest.  I was angry after I read that message.  I was near furious.  Here comes my personal quote in use:  It is not what you say or do, but HOW you say or do it.  The phone call didn't go any better.  She phoned me and asked me if we should go out for coffee or she could come over and I was honestly not in the mood, because I just felt like being alone.  I was sitting with thousand thoughts in my head and I just needed to be alone.  Human contact would've just made it all worse.  I would describe her whole attitude almost sarcastic, even on the phone, the way she sounded.  She told me to sms her with the answer if I would like to see her or not, cos she is going to go run a bit.  I sms'ed her later, telling her that I will see her some other time, one day maybe.  I sat in my pj's at about 9pm and the doorbell rang.  I knew it was her and I heard her voice when my uncle opened the door.  I was furious, to say the least.  I walked up to her and gave her a very cold hug and said hi.  She saw it in my eyes, she was not welcome there.  So she made little jokes and said wow this is awkward.  What did you expect is what I am thinking now.  I just stood there.  Out of politeness I asked her if she wanted coffee, she said no, because she literally just dropped by to say hello and go again because people are waiting for her.  What was this then?  Some kind of a joke?  I was partly cross cos I had my pj's on and partly because I made human contact and she told me she just wanted to see if I was alive.  Was my voice not enough?

Enough about that.  So what happened while we were looking at the stars and she asked that question.  (We don't know Yvette, just so by the way.  Just to create more background for you.)  

Wait, I saw Alet that next day, that night after the whole pj thing.  Nici and I went to drop of her Christmas gift.  Alet talked mostly but she looked uncomfortable the whole time and I just sat there, thinking you wanted this, now talk.  I drank the coke she gave us and somehow I drank it funny, like a baby sucking a dummy or something odd, but she started laughing and saying that to me.  I felt that 'go home' feeling again.  The feeling that says, I don't need to be here, I don't need to listen to this.  Word!  How do these people expect me to ever open up to them or be around them in comfort when they laugh at me and always have something to say about the way I do things.

Back to the starry night and the what makes you tick question.  Seems like a pretty normal question, but I knew she wanted me to just talk about everything going on in my  head and she wanted to know.  I got that feeling where my whole body inside shuts close and where I kick against everything that's being said.  The 'go home!' feeling.  I tell her that I am an one on one person and I don't want to talk about this now.  She gives me her famous speech that she gave to me a few months ago.  Lani, you know this is not right, you have to talk to people and your friends and be open towards them.  You can't just shut close everytime.  What if there is never the perfect moment and what if the perfect moment is now?  You must really work on it and really start talking to us.  WORD!  What?!  You trying to change me?  You trying to tell me who I should be and to who I must tell my heart's deepest secrets?  Who are you to attach strings to my body and make me dance to your rhythm?  Who are you?  Do you realise that by telling me this everytime that you are pushing me further away?  Do you realise that the more you ask of me, the more I close up?  This feeling that I feel, this kicking person in my insides, this person that hates this moment you created, this is not the feeling of TRUST?  This is not the MOMENT of NOW.  Who says I want to talk about it?  Who says I need to talk about it?  I will approach you if I wanted to and if you are alone.  Don't come running after me asking me what goes on in my heart, because I promise you, you'll lock it, forever.

Last night we were about 12 friends that went to the movies.  Problem, right there.  12!  FRIENDS getting together, but all watching a screen.  We didn't even sat down before the show or even after the show.  How sad is that?!  Anyhow, enough moaning.  

I actually enjoyed the movie.  You have to watch it!  Dejavu.  Absolutely mind boggeling and keeps your attention right through till the end.  Except, there was a part where my attention grew a bit weak, but that was only for a few minutes.  I vote ORSM!  

The other thing I noticed in movies are the fact that you sit between complete strangers or at least on your one side and I always feel like sharing my smarties with them, but then you can't, because it is going to look weird or something arb like that.  Or if it is a guy they are going to think you are hitting on them.  This planet so sucks.  Why can't I just share my smarties?!

Uhm... so!  I was sitting here, getting ready to type in my journal when Nici comes up to me and look if I burnt badly from the sun today.  Indeed I did, once again.  She goes and comes back with the after sun and I have to undress and then she tells me to bend over... how peculiar, we chuckled and swiftly moved along.  =)  Girls are funny, oh wait boys are funny!  If we were two guys, that would've probably not be funny.  Okay, total randomness!  For the win!  

We went to eat some Sushi!  It was totally delicious!  Especially the Californian rolls and the Rainbow rolls.  =p  DEVINE!  Oh and of course... Sex on the Beach!  Lol.  Yes, the cocktail!  =]